The Ladies Auxillary

One of the perks of working in a bar that I discovered very early on is getting to witness all the outrageously crazy things that people do when under the influence. Not all of it is pleasant, believe me....but most of it is atleast entertaining.

Earlier this afternoon, one of my co-workers and I got to talking about a particularly funny group of ladies who came in one afternoon to partake of the bar. This group of ladies, or the Ladies Auxillary (from hell), as I prefer to call them, came into the bar around 3:30 in the afternoon and proceeded to order round after round of Cosmos and Lemon Drops. After two rounds, all thirteen ladies in the group had started a resounding chorus of 'shots, shots, shots'. Needless to say the shots came next, followed more girlie drinks and AGAIN more shots.

After an hour or so of this going on, two of the more Sober ladies in the group suggested they all head outside to our patio to continue their drinks and give the rest of the bar some peace and quiet. Believe me when I say we were all grateful to have them gone. The noise level in the bar shrank down to its normal pitch, and both the bartender and I could finally feel our ears stop ringing. I was somewhat distressed however when not even fifteen minutes later, the two semi-sober ladies came back again in again to ask for a few pitchers of water for the other gals outside. Nonetheless, I went out with pitcher in hand to do my job.

Dont get me wrong, when I say I was less than thrilled it doesnt have anything to do with having to serve people drinks; That is my job after all. Its just that drunk people....especially drunk women get really, really loud and obnoxious. Combining thirteen of them together at one table is a servers worst nightmare. And more importantly, it can almost garuntee trouble of some kind.....

And speaking of trouble....as soon as I got outside, I was greeted by a overabundance of giggling and a resounding chorus of "oh look...its the bartender...she's bringing us water...she must want to quiet us down....and sober us up". This was of course punctuated by more giggles. It wasnt until this point that I realized that more than half of the ladies were missing from the table and were instead posing against our heart shaped fence towards the far side of the deck posing topless. Yes, topless.....as in 'no bras- no shirts-no service' topless.

Standing there for a moment, first in shock, and then in deep contemplation about what I should do about the whole thing, I asked one of the topless ladies who was staring at me rather intently "so what are you ladies up to? I mean other than the obvious". My question was followed by a round of uncomfortable giggles, and an immediate shuffle of ladies bumping into each other as they searched around the corner of the deck for their shirts and bras. The only clothed woman out of the whole group, a cute little blonde woman, came over and nervously asked me ' so are you um...going to call the cops on us?' I just laughed and told her that as long as no one complained and as long as I didnt "see it", I didnt   particularly care.  She laughed and looked relieved.

As I was heading back inside I briefly asked her the question I had been dying to know, and which no one had answered. "So seriously though, whats up with the topless pics? Are you guys working on a body friendly collage or something?"

Her response it what keeps killing me, even a few weeks later: "well, we decided to all take pictures of our breasts so that one of my girlfriends could send them to her boyfriend to see if he could tell her breasts apart from the rest of us". Laughing hysterically, I walked back inside.

Its days like that when I love doing my job. 

Cocktails and Conversation

Been revisiting the paintings of Brett Lynch. The two paintings below (intended as complimentary paintings but actually seperate works of art), Called Cigar Bar (left) and Evening Lounge, always remind me of that old time post prohibition class. All smoke filled rooms, women drinking martinis, and men who knew how to be snazzy dressers as well as gentlemen. Ah the good old days....

Before I Get Ahead of Myself....Again

I have this amazing ability to get ahead of myself mentally. I started this blog no more than a few weeks ago and other than recipes and an introductory blog post I havent really taken the time to post anything substantial.


Ok, ok....in my defense I have like seven unfinished blog posts that I havent gotten around to finishing. But regardless, I realized that at no point in any of those unfinished rambles have I ever actually discussed my job, and what it is exactly that I do.


I'm a barback.
Bar + Back: As in I back up the bartender, and assist them with whatever they need assistance with.
To throw out a more complete deffinition, a Barback is a bartenders assistant. They generally work in nightclubs, bars and resturaunts. A Barback is generally responsible for restocking the bar with garnishes, liquor, beer, changing kegs, cutting or preparing garnishes, refilling ice for the ice wells, and cleaning tables or other parts of the bar. Occasionally, barbacks are responsible for helping the bartender to serve drinks. For example, in the case of bars located within resturaunts, because all alcohol is handled in the bar for both the bar patrons and patrons of the resturaunt, a barback may be responsible for pouring wine or beers, or less complicated cocktails to help out the bartender.


One of the other reasons barbacks exist is to learn how to bartend. In the same way that dishwashers move up in the food chain to become bussers/runners, and eventually are promoted again to either a hostessing or serving position, the same goes for barbacking to bartending. Its an eventual progression. Starting off barbacking gives someone the chance to learn all the basics, and allows them to grow comfortable behind the bar without overwhelming them with too much at one time.


Despite what many people say, barbacking (and bartending), are not simple or easy job. Sure, theres very little logic or effort to pouring a glass of wine or pouring a pint of beer but rest assured its everything else that tires you out. Lugging ice, and kegs alone keeps you in great shape. Restocking helps too. For whatever reason though, people seem to have this misconception that bar staff dont do anything. Or as a lovely, smart-ass bar patron said this morning "Jesus, what have you guys been doing the last 15 minutes? Sitting on your asses? I swear to god i've never had a mojito take this long. I mean seriously, I could have made my own in the same amount of time, WITH freshly picked mint!" I was tempted to tell her that I actually did go out to our back garden to pick fresh mint leaves since we were out but I decided not to bother. Some people, no matter what facts or logic you present them with, will never be happy. But again I emphasize the point that bartending and barbacking is hard work. In the two months that ive been at my current job, i've watched my biceps double in size and have lost 16 1bs despite the fact that I feel like im always hungry from working all the time. Best workout i've ever had, hands down.


Mentally bartending is also challenging because of the sheer number of situations and drink orders they can be presented with. Unlike a server, who has a set menu, a bartender has a full bar to work with and a myriad of possibilities. A customer can walk in the door and ask for just about anything, and its the bartenders job to make their request happen to the best of their ability. Not every bartender is going to know whats in a drink a customer requests, and given that in most cases the customer doesnt know either, one has to simply adlib or tell the customer to order something else. Which in the long run, makes work a whole hell of a lot more complicated. Unlike the 'waiter' who can fall back on the menu or wine list, the bartender has to always be on his toes. A seasoned bartender knows most popular drinks/ shots, and picks up the less common classics over time. But what makes a truly great bartender stand out from the rest is being able to handle a fully packed bar, and to keep up with their customers regardless of varying requests.


Think of it this way: A bartender must make drinks, while processing tabs, taking cards or cash, keeping customers entertained, restocking the bar when it gets low, making sure the kegs arent out for the beer on tap, is clean glasses, cutting garnishes, refilling the wells with ice, keeping really drunk customers from drinking even more (a.k.a cutting them off before they get into stupid situations such as bar fights or drunken orgies in the womens bathroom, or god forbid, driving). Throw all of those factors into a 6-8 hour shift and tell me your not just a little bit sympathetic....or hell, even tired, just thinking about it.


Obviously, this is why barbacks....A.K.A, me, exist. We make life just a little bit easier for everyone involved. Having someone to watch your back, and erm....grab your ice for you, makes it possible for bartenders to bring class A service to customers, instead of gin and tonic simplicity to the table every night.


Hence all the reasons I love doing my job. 

All Curves, and NO excuses

Here's the deal, if your so skinny you can't carry your own kegs, restock the bar, or kick drunk people out on their ass when they start a fight, you probably should go find a new job ASAP.

Wine In a Box Just Got Cool Again

OMG, Adult Juice Boxes. Picnics just got so much easier....